Yes, my friends, it is time for some “Cooperism”! Here are what may well be the best nine jokes by the unexceeded Tommy Cooper:
1 • I’m on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!
2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, ‘Your future looks pretty black.’ I said, ‘Are you kidding? I’ve still got my gloves on!
3• I said to the doctor, ‘It hurts when I do this’ [raises arm]. He said, ‘Well, don’t do it.’
4• A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, ‘Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.’ He said, ‘An alarm clock? Does it bother him?’ She said: ‘It doesn’t bother him, but it bothers me.’ He said, ‘Why?’ She said: ‘Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.’
5• I said to the chef, ‘Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?’ He said, ‘I’m groping for words!’
6• My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath!
7• Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.
8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, ‘Didn’t you see the arrows?’ He said, ‘Arrows? I didn’t even see the Indians.’
9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.