Sunday Jokes … by Tommy Cooper

Yes, my friends, it is time for some “Cooperism”! Here are what may well be the best nine jokes by the unexceeded Tommy Cooper:

1 I’m on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!

Fortune Teller
2 I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, ‘Your future looks pretty black.’ I said, ‘Are you kidding? I’ve still got my gloves on!

3I said to the doctor, ‘It hurts when I do this’ [raises arm]. He said, ‘Well, don’t do it.’

Alarm clock
4A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, ‘Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.’ He said, ‘An alarm clock? Does it bother him?’ She said: ‘It doesn’t bother him, but it bothers me.’ He said, ‘Why?’ She said: ‘Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.’

5I said to the chef, ‘Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?’ He said, ‘I’m groping for words!’

Doctor (2)
6My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath!

7Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.

8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, ‘Didn’t you see the arrows?’ He said, ‘Arrows? I didn’t even see the Indians.’

9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.


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